Common Sense

Common Sense
by Guy Zapoleon

Obituary Notice:

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools; hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math."

Common Decline

But his health declined when he became infected with the "If it only helps one person it's worth it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors.

His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student.

He declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.

Common's Last Stand

Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

A poem sent to Dear Abby from a couple who have too much stuff.

So many of you asked us (since Yuletide's drawing near)
"What do you want for Christmas? What can we give you this year?
If we say, "We want nothing!" you buy something anyway,
So here's a list of what we'd like; believe now what we say:

Pajamas for a little child, food to feed the poor.
Blankets for a shelter, and we ask a little bit more--
Perform good deeds and let us know, or volunteer your time.
These last are worth a fortune, and they needn't cost a dime.

We have to many things now, vases, candles, tapes and clocks.
We have our fill of garments, ties, underwear and socks.
Candy is too fattening, crossword books we've more than 20.
We don't need trays or plates or cups, and knickknacks we have plenty.

We've no walls to hang more pictures; we have books we've not yet read;
So please take what you'd spend on us and help the poor instead!
Just send a Christmas card to us and tell us what you've done;
We'll open them on Christmas Eve, and read them one by one.

It won't cost as much for postage as a package sent would do,
You'll need no wrapping paper, ribbons, ink or glue.
And we'll thank God you listened to what we had to say,
So we could be the instruments to help someone this way.